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When Your Parents Get Divorced
By Stephanie Kemp
When Your Parents Get Divorced
By Stephanie Kemp
When your Parents get Divorced…
...They’ll probably tell you during a commercial break during the Bob Newhart Show to make you think it’s not a big deal.
This is a trick.
They know this because they sent your little sister to a sleepover so that you and your older sister could help soften the blow when they tell her the next night during Sonny and Cher. (Or was it The Six Million Dollar Man? I will have to ask my little sister, as this memory mostly belongs to her. But either way, it was definitely after 60 Minutes.)
Your parents will worry most about your little sister because she is only 5.
So will you.
You will also worry about your mom because you will know from the way she is sitting that this is not her idea.
You will wonder what your dad’s idea is.
You will forever have a quality not quantity relationship with your dad, starting now.
But this is only if you are lucky (a new kind of lucky, as the one you once knew has been discontinued).
When your parents get divorced...
...You mostly won’t want to get married when you grow up.
You will sometimes struggle to breathe when you do, even though you have gotten back the kind of lucky that was lost when you marry your husband.
Once you catch your breath, you will wonder how it feels to be a daughter whose parents stay married even though and especially because you will have two daughters to wonder about.
You will be interested to see what happens when there is a base that stays solid.
Do you head out solidly and permanently from this base or do you blow it up because you don’t know what it means and/or take it for granted?
Maybe you just don’t want it! (Or maybe you know that you don’t have to be married to have a solid base.)
When your parents get divorced...
...Nostalgia will run on 2 tracks:
One that takes you back to the past that actually happened and one that takes you back to a past that didn’t. This will happen emotionally no matter what you (come to) know intellectually.
You will always be ok on your own because you know that the ground shifts no matter where you (think you are) stand (ing).
You will have good balance, although you might have to rethink this when your knees start cracking and you can’t read without glasses and you find yourself standing in front of an open microwave when all you wanted to do was get ice for your wine .
(Or knees.)
You will do everything you can to never write about when your parents got divorced until you are on a hike one day and you realize you have to because it is your inciting incident.
The hinge that opens and closes the door to everything else and all of:
…the other stories.
…the movies you like.
…the books you read.
…the choices you make.
…the anger that lurks.
…the often preposterous happiness that leaps.
…the outlook on life.
…the shock of having this husband you love.
…the hopes you have for your daughters, whether they get married or not.
When your parents get divorced…..
Anything can happen,
Because anything will.
(FULL DISCLOSURE: This is also true even if your parents don’t get divorced.)
It is why you have to stop on the hiking trail when you don’t have your glasses and try to type all of this into your phone with one finger while your knees stand patiently crackling to the tune of Should I Stay or Should I Go.
Because you realize for the first time in 55 years of this loop around your life that you are not mad at your dad and you are not sad for your mom because those were their lives to live, not yours.
And that you are grateful that your parents got divorced,
because really what else can you be?
(You also know you need to write this down because you actually just found yourself wondering if you might be fucking up your own kids with all this happy marriage stuff.)
These are just some of the things you think about,
When your parents get divorced.
________
Ps. I thought I should write down some memories of details from that night (and the Bob Newhart Show) because every writer knows that it is good to write down the details, especially when they remind you that you don’t ever have to (only) be sad:
• I want Carol’s job but wonder why she didn’t get braces from Jerry.
• Why do Bob and Emily read in bed at the end of every show? (Maybe they need a divorce, too, if they have to read so much.)
• Will Mom’s voice sound like Emily’s if she keeps smoking? Does Emily (or Suzanne Pleshette) even smoke?
• (I love watching credits!)
• How many other expressions does Bob’s face have?
• Maybe Dad could go to a psychologist!
• My older sister’s crying face through the banister bars looked smushed. I am worried about her, too.
• We will spend hours begging our parents to change their minds in my room because it is closest to the stairs we ran up and my sister’s room is cold. (I am relieved because I have been peeling the paint from her floorboards again and know I will be in trouble if anyone notices.)
• The hours of crying and begging turn out to be less than 22 minutes in total because they told us during the first commercial break and we are back downstairs watching again before the last one.
• (I love paying attention to the business of television programming!)
• I also love my yellow and white nightgown with elastics at the wrist, but they are too tight. I will have to cut the sleeves off the next day. All parties agree (all parties agree!) that this makes my favorite nightgown even better.
• This will be the night I realize that professional haircuts are unnecessary.
• Duraflames make even the worst days better.
• My peanut butter sandwich crust from yesterday is still shoved between the arm of Dad’s black pleather chair and the side table. (I know I will be in trouble if anyone notices.)
• Mom and Dad still call each other Honey and look the same.
• That’s the guy from I Dream of Jeannie!
• (I love casting!)
• We still get to live in our house but will also have an apartment with a lake!
• I think this must all be from a divorce manual, because it is so clear and worked out. (I know what a manual is because we just got a new vacuum.)
• I will get Very Special Treatment at school and never get Good Grades again.
But that’s ok, because….
• WE WILL ALL GET DOUBLE CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY PRESENTS FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!
• WE. HAVE. A. LAKE!
…I remember thinking it would be a good idea to open with these last two things about the presents and the lake when we tell my little sister because it might make her feel better faster.
…And I am already proud of myself for thinking and feeling these very grown up thoughts and feelings.
...They’ll probably tell you during a commercial break during the Bob Newhart Show to make you think it’s not a big deal.
This is a trick.
They know this because they sent your little sister to a sleepover so that you and your older sister could help soften the blow when they tell her the next night during Sonny and Cher. (Or was it The Six Million Dollar Man? I will have to ask my little sister, as this memory mostly belongs to her. But either way, it was definitely after 60 Minutes.)
Your parents will worry most about your little sister because she is only 5.
So will you.
You will also worry about your mom because you will know from the way she is sitting that this is not her idea.
You will wonder what your dad’s idea is.
You will forever have a quality not quantity relationship with your dad, starting now.
But this is only if you are lucky (a new kind of lucky, as the one you once knew has been discontinued).
When your parents get divorced...
...You mostly won’t want to get married when you grow up.
You will sometimes struggle to breathe when you do, even though you have gotten back the kind of lucky that was lost when you marry your husband.
Once you catch your breath, you will wonder how it feels to be a daughter whose parents stay married even though and especially because you will have two daughters to wonder about.
You will be interested to see what happens when there is a base that stays solid.
Do you head out solidly and permanently from this base or do you blow it up because you don’t know what it means and/or take it for granted?
Maybe you just don’t want it! (Or maybe you know that you don’t have to be married to have a solid base.)
When your parents get divorced...
...Nostalgia will run on 2 tracks:
One that takes you back to the past that actually happened and one that takes you back to a past that didn’t. This will happen emotionally no matter what you (come to) know intellectually.
You will always be ok on your own because you know that the ground shifts no matter where you (think you are) stand (ing).
You will have good balance, although you might have to rethink this when your knees start cracking and you can’t read without glasses and you find yourself standing in front of an open microwave when all you wanted to do was get ice for your wine .
(Or knees.)
You will do everything you can to never write about when your parents got divorced until you are on a hike one day and you realize you have to because it is your inciting incident.
The hinge that opens and closes the door to everything else and all of:
…the other stories.
…the movies you like.
…the books you read.
…the choices you make.
…the anger that lurks.
…the often preposterous happiness that leaps.
…the outlook on life.
…the shock of having this husband you love.
…the hopes you have for your daughters, whether they get married or not.
When your parents get divorced…..
Anything can happen,
Because anything will.
(FULL DISCLOSURE: This is also true even if your parents don’t get divorced.)
It is why you have to stop on the hiking trail when you don’t have your glasses and try to type all of this into your phone with one finger while your knees stand patiently crackling to the tune of Should I Stay or Should I Go.
Because you realize for the first time in 55 years of this loop around your life that you are not mad at your dad and you are not sad for your mom because those were their lives to live, not yours.
And that you are grateful that your parents got divorced,
because really what else can you be?
(You also know you need to write this down because you actually just found yourself wondering if you might be fucking up your own kids with all this happy marriage stuff.)
These are just some of the things you think about,
When your parents get divorced.
________
Ps. I thought I should write down some memories of details from that night (and the Bob Newhart Show) because every writer knows that it is good to write down the details, especially when they remind you that you don’t ever have to (only) be sad:
• I want Carol’s job but wonder why she didn’t get braces from Jerry.
• Why do Bob and Emily read in bed at the end of every show? (Maybe they need a divorce, too, if they have to read so much.)
• Will Mom’s voice sound like Emily’s if she keeps smoking? Does Emily (or Suzanne Pleshette) even smoke?
• (I love watching credits!)
• How many other expressions does Bob’s face have?
• Maybe Dad could go to a psychologist!
• My older sister’s crying face through the banister bars looked smushed. I am worried about her, too.
• We will spend hours begging our parents to change their minds in my room because it is closest to the stairs we ran up and my sister’s room is cold. (I am relieved because I have been peeling the paint from her floorboards again and know I will be in trouble if anyone notices.)
• The hours of crying and begging turn out to be less than 22 minutes in total because they told us during the first commercial break and we are back downstairs watching again before the last one.
• (I love paying attention to the business of television programming!)
• I also love my yellow and white nightgown with elastics at the wrist, but they are too tight. I will have to cut the sleeves off the next day. All parties agree (all parties agree!) that this makes my favorite nightgown even better.
• This will be the night I realize that professional haircuts are unnecessary.
• Duraflames make even the worst days better.
• My peanut butter sandwich crust from yesterday is still shoved between the arm of Dad’s black pleather chair and the side table. (I know I will be in trouble if anyone notices.)
• Mom and Dad still call each other Honey and look the same.
• That’s the guy from I Dream of Jeannie!
• (I love casting!)
• We still get to live in our house but will also have an apartment with a lake!
Every other weekend
2 weeks a summer
Wednesday dinners
Shared holidays and spring breaks
2 weeks a summer
Wednesday dinners
Shared holidays and spring breaks
• I think this must all be from a divorce manual, because it is so clear and worked out. (I know what a manual is because we just got a new vacuum.)
• I will get Very Special Treatment at school and never get Good Grades again.
But that’s ok, because….
• WE WILL ALL GET DOUBLE CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY PRESENTS FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!
• WE. HAVE. A. LAKE!
…I remember thinking it would be a good idea to open with these last two things about the presents and the lake when we tell my little sister because it might make her feel better faster.
…And I am already proud of myself for thinking and feeling these very grown up thoughts and feelings.