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Sideways
By Stephanie Kemp
Sideways
By Stephanie Kemp
Sunday. 5:56 am.
Coffee cooking. People sleeping.
I am learning to live sideways. Too much to process at every turn...(world, health, children’s safety and/or happiness, what is my job here, construction, destruction, new neighbors, old friends, hair, hats, wigs, heat, knees, wtf is happening, everywhere, all the time.)
So I just keep going. Not in a numb or denial fueled way, and not in an every moment is bliss or seize the day post cancer (hopefully) modus operandi sort of way.
I just keep going:
I invite all the parts that are still recognizable (recently returned fully functioning brain, arms, most toes and some finger nails, nose, eyes, heart, teeth, temper) to join me each day in welcoming the newcomers (other toes and finger nails, smaller stomach, right leg, residual interloping blood cells, fresh fawn-like hair - everywhere, patience), even though we don’t know them yet and are unsure of their intentions.
We read books. (Currently The Problem With Everything by Meghan Daum and a reread of M.F.K. Fisher’s How to Cook a Wolf)
We get invited to plays. (Recently a revival of Annie and an adaptation of Life of Pi, from the movie based on the book)
We write. (This is writing, and so is the letter I just sent to my Uncle.)
We make breakfast. (Banana pancakes today, to celebrate the Sunday of it all)
We walk. (Often, if slowly...)
We try to say yes to grown up birthday parties (Buckles is finally 50!) and bake cookies for the graduates. (This week: Alex, Stella, Sadie, Isabel and Foster, even though we missed Foster’s open house and didn’t get to see Stella in time, so we ate her cookies)
We drop by an old colleague’s art show, having never known that his art comes from a dark and lonely childhood. (Peoria, IL)
We eat poutine after the show and think about what we want to do next and all the people we love and miss (and love and will miss).
We hold hands in a new town that still sells Florsheim shoes. (Florsheim Shoes!)
We plan college visits and sister trips (after we get randomized into the observational arm of the clinical trial).
We (this means Adam) makes homemade sushi, knowing that our girls will be home for Sunday dinner to eat with us.
We are so lucky.
Sideways is underrated.
Please remind me that I said this..................especially because Sideways is also very wily and will tip you over (or worse) if you let go of its hand.
Cc: All the friends I miss and wish I’d gotten to say this to in person.
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Coffee cooking. People sleeping.
I am learning to live sideways. Too much to process at every turn...(world, health, children’s safety and/or happiness, what is my job here, construction, destruction, new neighbors, old friends, hair, hats, wigs, heat, knees, wtf is happening, everywhere, all the time.)
So I just keep going. Not in a numb or denial fueled way, and not in an every moment is bliss or seize the day post cancer (hopefully) modus operandi sort of way.
I just keep going:
I invite all the parts that are still recognizable (recently returned fully functioning brain, arms, most toes and some finger nails, nose, eyes, heart, teeth, temper) to join me each day in welcoming the newcomers (other toes and finger nails, smaller stomach, right leg, residual interloping blood cells, fresh fawn-like hair - everywhere, patience), even though we don’t know them yet and are unsure of their intentions.
We read books. (Currently The Problem With Everything by Meghan Daum and a reread of M.F.K. Fisher’s How to Cook a Wolf)
We get invited to plays. (Recently a revival of Annie and an adaptation of Life of Pi, from the movie based on the book)
We write. (This is writing, and so is the letter I just sent to my Uncle.)
We make breakfast. (Banana pancakes today, to celebrate the Sunday of it all)
We walk. (Often, if slowly...)
We try to say yes to grown up birthday parties (Buckles is finally 50!) and bake cookies for the graduates. (This week: Alex, Stella, Sadie, Isabel and Foster, even though we missed Foster’s open house and didn’t get to see Stella in time, so we ate her cookies)
We drop by an old colleague’s art show, having never known that his art comes from a dark and lonely childhood. (Peoria, IL)
We eat poutine after the show and think about what we want to do next and all the people we love and miss (and love and will miss).
We hold hands in a new town that still sells Florsheim shoes. (Florsheim Shoes!)
We plan college visits and sister trips (after we get randomized into the observational arm of the clinical trial).
We (this means Adam) makes homemade sushi, knowing that our girls will be home for Sunday dinner to eat with us.
We are so lucky.
Sideways is underrated.
Please remind me that I said this..................especially because Sideways is also very wily and will tip you over (or worse) if you let go of its hand.
Cc: All the friends I miss and wish I’d gotten to say this to in person.
