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Should vs. Land
By Stephanie Kemp








An Epic Battle (and/or Love Story) Between Two Words


Part I.
Every morning is the same:

I wake with good intentions and fragments of clear thoughts and vivid dreams.

Always before 5am.
Always with a thank you to the moon.
Always with heavy eyes but high hopes.

I am confronted by choices before I even remember if it is a school day:

Do I get up and write down my clear thoughts and fragmented dreams while I still have a chance to grasp them before they disappear (“capture” feels too bleak, although it is more accurate) and make something with them later…

OR

…Do I try to sleep a little longer (highly unlikely) or have coffee with my husband as our about-to-fly-the-coop daughters slumber soundly under the same roof for a few more days while their world is still dark and safe and quiet? (This is highly likely, unless my husband has been snoring and coffee might not be that fun today.)

Either way I win.
Either way I lose.

Because every morning, that Inner Critter (™ Laura Munson) named SHOULD sneaks in and makes me feel bad about whichever choice I’ve made (and worse about whichever choices I haven’t).

If this sounds overly dramatic, it is…(SHOULD loves to be dramatic.)

I love my husband.
I love my daughters.
I love my choices.
(I have choices.)
A comfortable bed.
(I love my home.)
I have ideas.
And dreams.
Clear thoughts.

Options.

SHOULD loves to f&*k with me on all of these fronts….(especially if and when I am not chronically and effusively espousing my gratitude for all of them).

And, every single morning, of every single day, there is only One Word that can save me:

LAND.

Now, I should be clear about this, because it is important (and because LAND deserves it). I mean LAND the verb, not the noun.

I have conflicting thoughts about LAND the noun, because:

• I am American…
• It really only belongs to Mother Earth, no matter what we say or pretend while we are standing on it…
• Of all the places I’ve called Home and then lost, or been asked to leave.

But back to Every Morning!

SHOULD shows up first (like clock work), trying to hog things and make me want to eat potato chips before 10am.

SHOULD tries to convince me to round up and fly all the kites of all the things I didn’t do or finish or get to yesterday or the day (or the month or the year) before, knowing full well that I don’t have control of the wind and that the strings will get tangled, taking down all of the kites and their would-be flyer - otherwise known as the person that is me - with them.

But lately (and increasingly over the course of the last 56 years, so far), LAND has been showing up and putting up some pretty good dukes while reminding me (and showing me how) to do the same.

The battle starts like this:

SHOULD yells:
“SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD!”

LAND whispers:
“Shhhhh Shhhhh Shhhhhh Shhhhhhh Shhhhh Shhhhhh Shhhhhhhh.”

SHOULD goes on:
“Who cares?”  
“You’ll never get it all done anyway!”
“It’s not like they miss you anymore or remember you at this point…just forget it!” 
(But you are sort of a jerk for not calling them back...)
“Those are just what your eyes look like, now!”
“HURRY!”

LAND says:
“You care.”
“Start here.”
“Put your feet down.”
“It matters.”
“Who do you miss?”
“Your eyes still work. Use them to steer.”
“Steady….”

“Don’t land in that bush.”


Part II.
If and when we all survive the morning, every day is the same:

I do or don’t eat potato chips before 10:00 am.
I do or don’t sit down and write down one thing at a time.
…Make a list.
…Try something new.
…Call someone or make a note to call them (tomorrow).

Succeed.
Fail.
Redefine success and failure.

Try again.

While SHOULD has been on the scene longer and knows some back alleys and party tricks, LAND is younger and has some YA strength in her sea legs and social skills. I am coming to rely on her more and more.

SHOULD usually senses this and immediately tries to scare me with thoughts of things like:

Aging…..AI…..Almost…..Already…..All Over.

LAND usually just listens, as she has an innate sense of (and respect for) gravity (and gravitas), sometimes adding something simple like:

“Aim at one thing.”

OR

“Welcome to your destination.”


Part III.
Every night (if and when we have survived the day), I realize (again) that I will never lose SHOULD and must never lose LAND.

(It is SHOULD, ironically, who reminds me of that second part.)

SHOULD needs a battle. A foe. A raison d’être.
LAND has proven to be a most formidable opponent and/or sparring partner.

And (because she is a verb!), LAND is hard to pin down.

Spontaneous.
Flexible.
Unpredictable.

Especially because she is (also) smart and has partnered up with multiple vessels:

Pens, forks, knives, shoes, hugs, piano keys, paper airplanes, other people’s words (but only the helpful ones)……Me.

I am the host of this battle.

And even though it is (still) epic and on-going, I no longer despair. I just wake up each morning and (choose to) visualize a lone parachute gracefully making its way down from Sky to Earth, with two feet attached to it and leading the way, eventually landing squarely and solidly on a tiny patch of borrowed land.  

These feet, (both) ready and (both) relieved, take a minute to connect to (the rest of) the person that is me and excitedly ask the first question of the morning:

“What should we write (or do or see or try or play or make up or get rid of or try again or start or share) today?”