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Note to S/Elf
By Stephanie Kemp












The elf is an adorable, magical, Santa helping doll that comes with an adorably illustrated book that explains what (the hell) is about to happen (to the parents):

The elf (he is your family’s very own special elf and you even get to name him!) will appear out of nowhere every year on December 1st and watch over your children every day until Christmas Eve, flying back and forth from your house to the North Pole to tell Santa if said children have been good or bad and then reappearing each morning in a new hiding place. Your children will LOVE THIS ELF and the fun of finding him (they are mostly hims) every single morning in a new place, each one more clever than the next, especially as the children get older and wiser every year and you get older and more exhausted while your house stays the same size (if you are very lucky) and you run out of places to hide the fucking - I mean DARLING - elf!  

Oh - and one more thing! NO ONE can touch the elf or he will lose his magic!

The saddest days of the year will become the December mornings when Elfy doesn’t move (Is he sick? Is he dead? Did he lose his magic? Is Santa still coming?)

This will go on and on, even as the kids get taller and taller and reassess their assessment of Santa, but holiday nostalgia will pull at everyone (mostly this parent) and pretty soon the elf will be spending too much time in the bar cart or hiding in the snack drawer, as he is still an impossible to cut loose very real member of the family.

Then one day, you will realize that your kids are going to college (one in six months* and the other in three years) and after that they will become the grown ups who will (possibly) have families of their own.  They will each obviously need their own elf on the shelf so you better order another one now from Amazon and hide it until your kids are grown up and you can give them each a matching elf for Christmas.

They will be mad at you.

But at least now that everyone is out of the house you can (choose to) get a kitten or puppy.

Or not.

Merry Christmas, but more than this:

HAPPY, HEALTHY, HEARTY ANY/EVERYTHING ON WHATEVER DAY YOU MAY BE READING THIS AND EVERY (OR MOST) DAY(S) MOVING FORWARD INTO A HAPPY, HEALTHY, HEARTY AND BRIGHT FUTURE FOR ALL!


ps. Special thanks to Aunt Tracy.

pps. Apologies to Amy and Steven for giving Dillon a fish that time.

*RISD!