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High Priestess(es):
Suleikabeth Edition
By Stephanie Kemp
High Priestess(es):
Suleikabeth Edition
By Stephanie Kemp
Notes from a Suleika Jaouad Zoom hosted by Elizabeth Gilbert, celebrating “The Book of Alchemy” (which I had to pre-order to be invited to the zoom despite the fact that I am absolutely not in the mood to read a motivational high priestess book, even if it was written by Suleika Jaouad, who I love.
Plus I am a little bit sick of Elizabeth Gilbert even though she is Elizabeth Gilbert and I could get shot in the knees for saying this. Maybe I’m just sick of seeing her revel in her “Shaved Head by Choice” choice while I am still trying to accept my “Bald Head by Chemo / You Don’t Have a Choice” choice.)
Or maybe I’m mad that Suleika and Elizabeth keep writing great books while I haven’t even been able to write down my dreams (or feel my fingers) for six months...(or write any book, ever).
To make matters even worse, apparently Suleika got one hundred other amazing writers, artists, musicians, thinkers - all high priestesses (and priests - including a 6 year old!) to contribute to her book. (The book is about the transformative power of human creativity. This might be part of the problem for me, as I am currently using all of my transformative powers to drink boost milk shakes and hold onto the hope that my toenails don’t fall off.)
Just. Show. Up. Stephanie.
Your finger tips (and tingling toes and burning dry mouth and ever chopping helicopter head) are feeling better every day and you will (start to) remember how to write. And then you can decide if you (still) want to!
Zoom starts in 12 minutes.
In the meantime, I found this in my “chemo notebook”…..(all on one page, nearly illegible to me, totally illegible to non-me’s):
Mark Twain
Crabtree
300 Year Old Golf Ball
The Other Side of Earth
Far Out Space Nuts
Their Quest to Find the Perfect Department Store
Cinco de Mayo
Friends in Jail
Spirit Animal Crush
We’re Heading Into Some Crazy Times
RIP, SNORTER
The Woes of the Earthworm
Rabbit(s)
A Letter from Grandma, 1976
Hats Off to Bob Newhart
Try and be Nice to a Jerk, Please
No date, no time on this list of gems, and I have no recollection of writing any of these things down or what they mean (except for Friends in Jail and Hats Off to Bob Newhart…...........We’re Heading Into Some Crazy Times is also pretty obvious).
4 minutes. At least I’m still here. Both on the zoom and the planet Earth.
And - WE’RE IN!
Uh oh. They are talking about their dogs, Lentil (Susu’s) and Pepita (Lizzy’s). The dogs are tiny and being held up to the cameras. One is wearing a sweater.
In real life, I begin to smell delicious onions and am only brought back around when Suleika starts talking about the beauty of the word “alchemy,” and Elizabeth praises all of the shared wisdom (and strength) that define The Isolation Journals.
Suleika is amazing…
Elizabeth’s hair choice is badass...
I have missed words so much!
And just like that, I love our zoom and am going to become a (paid) subscriber to each of their substacks!
I am even going to (finally) launch my own emotionally upbeat substack:
Stephanie’s Subsnack: Pictures, Poems & Ponderings - “You Will Never Leave Hungry!”
While I am daydreaming about Suleika and Elizabeth interviewing me (separately) when I am (also) a high priestess, I realize I have missed something important one of them just said about Ann Patchett and a butterfly.
Huh?
Tourmaline what?
(And what is tourmaline, again???)
I promise myself I will look it up later, but in the meantime Lizzy says (still channeling Ann, I think):
“The only time the book is perfect is when you are dreaming it……But then you have to smash it and it won’t be perfect ever again.”
Ah yes. We are here to talk about actual writing.
Suleika looks so pretty that I am distracted and losing focus on who is saying what. (I hope I don’t get in trouble when this entry becomes part of my world altering memoir. I will pay more attention soon, but for now I just want to be happy that Suleika looks so healthy. And I love that she is nervous. We’re all just people, People!)
I mentally rejoin the zoom just in time to hear someone reference Martha Beck’s book, “Beyond Anxiety,” saying something like:
“The opposite of fear and anxiety is CURIOSITY and CREATIVITY.”
“…and just like fear and anxiety shut down curiosity and creativity, the opposite is also true…You can’t feel fearful or anxious when you are feeling curious or being creative. There is no room. ”
GENIUS!
“Be 1% more curious than fearful.”
I WILL!
STARTING NOW!
As I start feeling curious about when my chemo side effects might be gone forever, I simultaneously start to feel fearful about my current lack of eyebrows and lackluster gray skin. This starts to make me sad until Susu says:
“I learned from the YA crowd that “YOLO” has become “For the Plot.”
This is where I realize what a tricky road this is going to be, given that I am both anxious that I don’t know what either of those terms mean, and yet at the very same moment - I am curious to find out after the zoom. (On a more positive note, I’m pretty sure my brain once knew what YOLO meant, and I’m proud that I at least know that YA stands for Young Adult!)
Focus, Stephanie!
I really don’t want to miss anymore of what they are saying because of what I am thinking. This is when Suleikabeth brings me back with:
“Open Pages / Open Minds.”
YES! I just need to (be able to) read more! This will help with everything:
Learning things
Knowing things
Trying things
Believing in things
Focusing!
When Suleika’s chemo robbed her of her writing (and seeing clearly, and energy, and optimism, and everything else chemo can steal), she started painting.
When I couldn’t write, I started taking pictures.
(To remember...remember?)
And while Suleika soon realized that the very strange creatures her heart, head and hands kept painting “were friends not foes,” (keep in mind that her vision was impaired!), I realize only now (because I’m on this amazing zoom), that the through line of my photos is humor. That once again, humor is how my heart, head and hands move through things.
Humor is my friend, not foe.
(Remember! Remember!)
Just as I start to zone out feeling fearless after this massive Helen Keller at the Pump moment of self-realization, Lizzy (maybe?) shoots my balloon with:
“Fearless is a dangerous word.”
“…because you can’t be curious and creative without fear.”
And……
“Fearlessness never lands.”
“Fear’s one job is to help us stay alive.”
“Fear is usually an indicator of what we want most.”
Fuck!
This is exhausting!
Where are the little dogs named after beans and seeds when you need them?
Is there an intermission?
And just like that, because high priestesses really do have this shit down and know we (all several thousand of us on this zoom) need a break, Suleikabeth says:
“Let’s do a prompt...”
“Don’t worry - you won’t have to share it…Let’s take 5 minutes and write a letter to ourselves from our fear.”
“Try to be neutral as you receive these words. Listen to them…”
“This is not fancy writing. This is kitchen table writing. For you only…”
“Start with…………..”
Dear Stephanie,
I am your fear and this is what I want to tell you:
I am afraid that y/our cancer will come back (the sarcoma and/or the lymphoma).
I am afraid that you won’t be able to stop it.
I am afraid of what that would do to your family.
I am afraid that you would not be afraid.
I am afraid that you might want The Steak in Switzerland.
I am afraid that you have lost your words.
I am afraid that you might not care.
I am afraid that you will never be able to support people the way they supported you.
I am afraid of y/our current world.
I am afraid to tell y/our kids how afraid you are.
I am afraid the plane will go down.
I am afraid that you will never have eyelashes and eyebrows again.
I am afraid of y/our body when I’m not being grateful for and proud of it.
I am afraid for you to be around (some) people.
I am afraid that you might not like them anymore.
I am afraid of too many potato chips.
I am afraid y/our beanies might roast y/our dome during the summer, but that you’ll be too afraid not to wear them anyway.
I am afraid you won’t be brave enough to swim in the ocean with y/our bald head bobbing like a hopeful (and helpful) buoy.
I am afraid that you are judging people who only want to love (and share) their dogs (and books), as they try to help people write instead of being afraid.
I am afraid that you are afraid of all of these things (and more!) because you no longer know how to sleep through the night (and because of the whole cancer and current world thing).
And…….Time!
Elizabeth asks Suleika if she would read her letter to us. She says yes and bravely begins. I wish I remembered what she wrote. I only remember that it was beautiful and why I (always) love her…(the person and the writer).
She explains that the same themes keep appearing in each journal she has written:
Love.
Memory.
Fear.
These are the three that I (think I) remember her sharing, wondering if maybe I got it wrong and/or stole them for myself.
While I’m pondering this potentially inexcusable theft, Suleikabeth busts in, with:
“Now we’re going to do the same thing, but only this time it will be a letter to our curiosity…”
Dear Stephanie’s Curiosity,
What are you interested in today?
I am curious about my lost words. (Where are they?)
I am curious about my PT scan in 2 weeks. (Or is that fear?)
I am curious about my clinical trial. (Why the fuck am I doing a clinical trial to monitor my remission?)
I am curious about when the knowledge of this remission (I am in remission!) will trickle its way down into my emotions...and trust.
I am curious about what thoughts will rise to the top when my mind clears and what (if any) will keep my curiosity piqued. (What if nothing shows up?)
I am curious how salt water might feel on my bald head. (This is true.)
I am curious about my next paying job. (This is VERY true.)
I am curious about WTF has happened to my handwriting.(You can’t hold a pen is what happened.)
I am curious about my soon to be new hair. (I loved my controversial old hair.)
I am curious about which books I will love next, and when. (I hope I still like to read.)
I am curious about Cambodia and Laos. (exclamation point!)
I am curious about why my list of curiosities is so fucking boring (except for that one about Cambodia and Laos).
I am curious about the future (when I am not feeling afraid of it).
I am (still) curious about Suleika’s beautiful eyelashes. (Are they real?)
I am curious about what is for dinner. (Smells delicious/Thank you, Adam!)
I am curious as to who will win the war (this/any/all of them).
I was curious about tourmaline (but am not a big fan of gemstones and am obviously losing focus again as evidenced by the fact that I just googled tourmaline).
FINALLY! (We are almost done!)
The Q&A is started by someone named Carmen who pops up on the screen between Susu and Lizzy where Mike Brady should be. She is clearly a varsity member of the team. Carmen is adorable and has a very nice bedroom. I am jealous of her almost immediately.
I don’t remember any of the questions because I was too busy trying to figure out how I could be the only one of thousands of people who didn’t know who Carmen was, but I do remember (and love) these takeaways:
Suleika: “Live every day like it’s your first, not your last.”
Elizabeth: “Discipline……Presence…….Ass in seat.”
(She then added, “I have a 24 hour time limit on being able to read my handwriting.” I love everything about Elizabeth Gilbert!)
Suleikabeth: “Don’t waste the carbonization of anticipation. Use it - don’t let it go flat.”
(I have no idea what that means and don’t like anything that is carbonized, but this feels like it might be important to include.)
And, as if they needed an added bonus/special guest star quote (they did not), they threw this one in….(maybe/especially for me, since I didn’t know who Carmen was and because this guest star is one of my all time favorites of any working and/or potentially paying profession/s):
“Life is short. What are you holding onto it for?” - Mike Birbiglia*
While the old (pre-zoom) me would have delighted in wondering how many of my zooming colleagues had ever even heard of Mike Birbiglia, the new (post-zoom) me knows that:
“We’re all just people, People.” - Stephanie Kemp (Look! I have upgraded myself to quotable!)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write about My Sleepwalking and that aforementioned Steak in Switzerland, even though and especially because this zoom made me really want to keep on living (You Only Live Once!) and writing when - not if! - I am able to.... (I have to do it for the plot - look it up yourself, you won’t be disappointed!).
“Bam!” - Stephanie Kemp (and Chef Emeril Lagasse - not only because he said it first and deserves the credit, but also because there is safety in numbers and my dinner is ready!)
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*Mike Birbiglia is a stand-up comedian, actor, director, producer, podcaster, cancer fundraiser, best selling author and Emmy-nominated writer who is also a husband, father, son, brother, friend of Ira Glass, and seemingly all around very good person. (In other words and beyond obviously, a very high priest.)
ps..... I too am a producer and (sometime) cancer fundraiser, even if not yet (or possibly ever) a high priestess, in case you were wondering:https://stephaniekemp.com/Stand-Up-to-Cancer
pps.....I just realized that I am doing the clinical trial to (continue to) help, because cancer is (still) a fucker and a lot of people I love (or have never even met) are going to get it.
cc: Heidi