July 28 / Home
58 (so far)
By Stephanie Kemp
5:42am
Happy Birthday to Me......
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...even though and especially because Happy is not always currently available.
(Grateful is here, but has recently been hanging out with a lot of swear words.)
How could I have known it would be easier to get through chemotherapy (when we weren’t sure what the outcome would be) than to get through losing my toe nails and starting to look like 1970s Billy Joel (especially when we’re pretty sure that the outcome is going to be good)?
It was easier because I knew what I was aiming at:
Life or Death.
It couldn’t have been simpler (even though it admittedly does sound a little dramatic).
But I was so protective of the person that is me. We took such good care of each other.
Where has all of that wisdom and calm and kindness gone? (This is what I ask myself now, somewhat meanly, while trying to remember my purpose and who I was/am outside of Cancerville.)
I am on a batshit rollercoaster that never comes to a full stop.
Some days I can’t wait to call (and make plans with and see) people and then four minutes later on those same days I want to climb back under my rock or walk around by myself, as I try to write down every single thing I am thinking in a tiny notebook I keep with me at all times, mostly empty.
I was planning on spending my whole birthday swearing and sweeping, but then I woke up to a perfect email from my friend Pauliepants after I declined her kind offer to treat me to a birthday reflexology massage and lunch. I asked to raincheck the massage because of my toe (and finger) nail challenges (combined with the jacked up pre-pubescent bird hair growing on my head), and turned down lunch because I am still incapable of sustaining a one on one conversation for more than 7 minutes at a time, unless it is due to an accidental run-in or you are my one husband or two daughters.
Here is the email from Paulie:
I am SO SORRY that you are going through this. Especially you, because I actually know some people that I wish were going through it. I know that you are a loner, that this is personal, and I dont want to intrude. Je t’aime et je suis toujours ici pour toi. I would like to take the girls to lunch and a little shopping for school......here and far away!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
P
As if this wasn’t already the best email ever (even un peu de francais!), I now also might not have to go Back to School shopping with the girls!
Maybe I don’t need to be my favorite sign today (or any days) after all:
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I am feeling better by the minute. Especially because I am (also) the person who is going to drop off soup and bread and cookies for my friend on my birthday.
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It’s amazing how a day can bend if you keep twisting it (and writing things down)....
PURPOSE!
Rollercoasters can be fun!
(It also helps that my husband just woke up and gave me a Criterion Collection DVD of “Broadcast News” wrapped in a new door mat moments before my daughters brought me a Krispy Kreme.)
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And just like that I’ve turned my entire attitude (and day) around.
I am going to call Paulie and take her up on that offer.
First topic (post massage while sipping wine over a shared croque monsieur at lunch) will be:
I am the luckiest person on the planet.
Second topic:
What kind of idiot wouldn’t want to be 1970s Billy Joel?
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This is complicated shit.
58 (so far)
By Stephanie Kemp
5:42am
Happy Birthday to Me......
...even though and especially because Happy is not always currently available.
(Grateful is here, but has recently been hanging out with a lot of swear words.)
How could I have known it would be easier to get through chemotherapy (when we weren’t sure what the outcome would be) than to get through losing my toe nails and starting to look like 1970s Billy Joel (especially when we’re pretty sure that the outcome is going to be good)?
It was easier because I knew what I was aiming at:
Life or Death.
It couldn’t have been simpler (even though it admittedly does sound a little dramatic).
But I was so protective of the person that is me. We took such good care of each other.
Where has all of that wisdom and calm and kindness gone? (This is what I ask myself now, somewhat meanly, while trying to remember my purpose and who I was/am outside of Cancerville.)
I am on a batshit rollercoaster that never comes to a full stop.
Some days I can’t wait to call (and make plans with and see) people and then four minutes later on those same days I want to climb back under my rock or walk around by myself, as I try to write down every single thing I am thinking in a tiny notebook I keep with me at all times, mostly empty.
I was planning on spending my whole birthday swearing and sweeping, but then I woke up to a perfect email from my friend Pauliepants after I declined her kind offer to treat me to a birthday reflexology massage and lunch. I asked to raincheck the massage because of my toe (and finger) nail challenges (combined with the jacked up pre-pubescent bird hair growing on my head), and turned down lunch because I am still incapable of sustaining a one on one conversation for more than 7 minutes at a time, unless it is due to an accidental run-in or you are my one husband or two daughters.
Here is the email from Paulie:
I am SO SORRY that you are going through this. Especially you, because I actually know some people that I wish were going through it. I know that you are a loner, that this is personal, and I dont want to intrude. Je t’aime et je suis toujours ici pour toi. I would like to take the girls to lunch and a little shopping for school......here and far away!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
P
As if this wasn’t already the best email ever (even un peu de francais!), I now also might not have to go Back to School shopping with the girls!
Maybe I don’t need to be my favorite sign today (or any days) after all:
I am feeling better by the minute. Especially because I am (also) the person who is going to drop off soup and bread and cookies for my friend on my birthday.
It’s amazing how a day can bend if you keep twisting it (and writing things down)....
PURPOSE!
Rollercoasters can be fun!
(It also helps that my husband just woke up and gave me a Criterion Collection DVD of “Broadcast News” wrapped in a new door mat moments before my daughters brought me a Krispy Kreme.)
And just like that I’ve turned my entire attitude (and day) around.
I am going to call Paulie and take her up on that offer.
First topic (post massage while sipping wine over a shared croque monsieur at lunch) will be:
I am the luckiest person on the planet.
Second topic:
What kind of idiot wouldn’t want to be 1970s Billy Joel?
This is complicated shit.