__________________________________Workshop.
By Stephanie Kemp
5 days.
Free.
Stop the procrastination.
Ass in seat.
Why are you being so mean to you?
__________________________________
I don’t want to take this workshop but I have to.
I haven’t re-found my footing since I returned from living in a castle in France. (Maybe you should write about that, Stephanie?)
Mean Me is having a field day with all of the fraud thought that has been festering since my return.
And I like the woman* leading it.
She is smart.
Calm.
Grounding.
Funny.
Kind.
Real.
She says a lot of swear words.
Plus every ounce of me refuses to write.
Anything.
__________________________________
Each day:
A prompt
A zoom (bonus: doesn’t have to be synchronous!)
A 15 minute lesson, then coaching on whatever your version of inner sabotage happens to be…..
A daily goal:
Make it small - (so you do it!) - something like:
“I will write a sentence every day.”
Or.
“I will research podcasts that might be a good fit for my story/ies one day.”
Or:
“I will clean a closet every day so my mind also becomes clear.”
These are my kind of goals. (Except maybe that middle one, as I am taking a break
from podcasts and sort of jealous of anyone who has an interesting one.)
__________________________________
I think there are going to be a lot of people (this probably means women) doing this free workshop.
Why wouldn’t they? Everyone gets stuck sometimes…. (See? The workshop is working already.)
And I have already typed 250 words.
And (now) I remember that I have (completely) forgotten all about (the importance of) GOALS!!
__________________________________
Kick Off Call.
I was right. Lots of women. (Do men not get stuck? Do they not admit it? Not care? Push through? Steal our ideas and write them as their own? Sorry - but I just finished Jill Bialosky’s The Deceptions and am feeling a little furious.)
__________________________________
DAY 1.
I watched it on day 2, but one of my goals is to be nice to myself, so back off.
“The Story that You Tell Yourself.”
(This is what I need to challenge - it is hogging all the space I have for actual stories that I still want to tell.)
My current story is:
“The world is melting and boiling over. No one gives a shit about your poems or tiny stories of childhood wonder and woe.”
I like watching the coaching part of this workshop…
Writers of science fiction, poetry, memoir, novels………
“Someone told me that you have to write a million words before you have something good……”
Women of all ages, many old…..want to tell their stories before they are gone……..stories of that time they were brave, details of mental illness, memories that need to be re-strung or put to rest, illegal abortions, we want to get these stories into the world.
“What I’m working on is a big mess…..”
Why do so many people want to write?
“I want to know how the story comes out.”
(“Hold on to that………go from there,” advises the coach.)
“I have to have everything in order before I can sit down to write.”
(This is a woman’s issue…….right? Do men say/think/feel this?)
Everything will NEVER be in perfect order.
Distractions…..
“I am always writing scenes in my head…..but when I sit to write it down, they disappear…”
It is exhausting…
Fear?
How to outline a book? Do I know how to do this?
“I do a lot of pantsing.”
Ooh ! A new word! I am a pantser! (This feels important to know, whether I accept it or challenge it as an ultimate truth about myself.)
panster. A person who writes ‘by the seat of her pants’ as opposed to a plotter, one who plans or outlines her writing. (Definition courtesy of Urban Dictionary)
TK. (I not only forgot to ask why it was K, not C, I also forgot that this was even an option!)
Don’t get distracted.
Don’t be afraid of failure.
Or success…….
Breathe. (“You might need breathing exercises…..let’s do one now.”)
I love our coach.
STET!
DAY 2
How do we loosen the grip of these stories?
Ass
In
Seat.
Write.
Shh….
Clean a closet
Coaching notes and bits and bobs:
People who have been told they could do nothing right.
Wouldn’t amount to anything.
Mental health struggles.
Everyone has some version of this:
“You can’t do it.”
Dysfunctional families.
(Aren’t they all dysfunctional?)
Look for the little things or the people that can help you…………….(They are there.)
“Nobody is going to be able to fix you.” (...or break you.)
People who have defied the odds that were placed on them by others.
“Channel the rage……..your anger is justified……..use it.”
There will always be a Push/Pull between the creative and the administrative bits.
Muse v. Scribe (Integrate them…..they don’t have to hate each other.)
Beware of the Protestant work ethic….(and then write your mom’s story about the Sexy Presbyterians!)
Frustration with the tech…………….
“I’m not as sharp as I was as a young woman, with the technology.”
“Ok. So that thought is not helping you with anything!”
- Coach
Lean in to the parts that are working……. “Stay out of the toxic potato salad.”
What am I doing?
Who cares?
Your story is boring!
Bad feelings flood in…..(drop the bad thoughts)
“Where are all of these thoughts and feelings held in your body?”
(We will aways feel the negative emotions - get to know them.)
We are self protective around our creativity…….because it matters.
But we are older now………we have experience and coping skills….We don’t need to be (so) protected. I’ve got this.
It will be ok…..play it through.
What if….what if….what if….
“Picture an archetypal mother figure…..she’s not going to help you until you ask for help. Then she’ll give you back your faith and belief in yourself. She’ll give you what you need….but you have to ask.”
“I lost my manuscript……….”
“I don’t know why I stopped writing.”
"Did I even write it down?”
"Maybe I don’t need it…….”
Some people are broken.
“Maybe writing can fix it.”
That’s a lot of pressure.
People are all kinds of hurting………there are 1300 people doing this workshop.
I thought there would be around 50. I thought that was a lot.
Know who you are writing for. Who is going to like it, be entertained by it, need it.
That is not always family or friends, or partners.....or or or.
“You can’t hold a beach ball underwater.” That is what the inner saboteur tries to do.
Recognize it.
Laugh at it. It’s a non-negotiable war, but it can be fought with humor.
“Menopause hit and life has sucked since. How to retool myself knowing that who I was is no longer available to me?”
“Writing as catharsis…….gets in my way of writing what I thought I wanted to write.”
No plot.
No goal.
What am I aiming at?
(Own your pantstering, Stephanie. You are good at it. Don’t judge your failings as as a plotter. In writing or in life. You have never been plotter.)
DAY 3
External obstacles (and there are a ton)
Hiccups.
Don’t let them derail you.
Keep going. Inner saboteur loves external obstacles.
Be nice to you.
Make your writing a priority.
“You need to plan your life around your writing.” - even if it’s 5 minutes a day.
Make. It. Happen.
(And it doesn’t have to compete with “But, who will raise my children?”)
Women are socialized to think they only get to write if everything else is taken care of.
Flip the script…..I have to make it happen. Other people won’t do it (unless you’re really lucky).
“I don’t want to be destitute…….!” (Don’t be so dramatic.)
We have to do more than put out fires……..honor the important stuff (writing, even if it’s not urgent).
Eliminate - cooking breakfast, folding clothes,
Automate - paying bills, social media posts, grocery store
Delegate - cleaning, social media, errands
Learn to say no. (Then say it. A lot.)
Plan for interruptions - don’t let them disrupt you …. Decide ahead of time what you will allow to interrupt you -
ie. “Is there blood?”....................“How much?”
Most things can wait.
Make a Writing Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.
Cover yourself, no matter what life throws at you. Inner Saboteur will always hold you to Plan A only and make you feel shitty if you don’t meet those demands.
(By the way, Plan A should be manageable, not a super day…..those are very rare - let them be.)
Writing groups can derail you……..be careful. Inner perfectionist can ruin everything, as can careless or uninformed critique.
“Sometimes I’m excited about a job until I get it…..”
“I need a deadline….” (Me too!)
“Dream projects are only dreams until I have to do them.”
“Why can’t I hold onto the joy? Why do I always want to jump to whatever is next?”
It doesn’t live up to the expectation of what I thought it might be?
Do I take it for granted?
Did I only want it because it was a challenge?
Is it more interesting than me? Is it above my pay grade?
Flip all of this…….
“What if I can’t get over the mental fatigue that I carry around with me?”
(This asked by someone who takes full time care of her elderly mom)………..
“Self care has to come first……..a la Maslow’s hierarchy of needs…..you might have a lot of Plan C days during this time with your mom."
Phil Stutz - the Vortex
Do this before you sit down to write:
Imagine a ring of 12 suns above your head.
Look up to the suns.
Beg them for help.
When they hear you, they spin and create a vortex that grabs you and lifts you up through the circle of suns. When you arrive up top, you become a benevolent giant.
With a giant’s energy, ready to go.
(I will try again….to watch the Stutz documentary….and not be distracted by Jonah Hill or dismissive of the 12 suns I have just been asked to beg. I am not very good at this part of things. ie. “vortex that grabs you and lifts you up through a circle of suns” and/or “you become a benelovent giant” but I promise not to judge until i read up on Phil Stutz or watch the doc in full.)
“I was raised by a father who called me a dummy.”
“My brother always asks me, ‘Why do you care?’”
“My husband had an accident ……brain injury. Financial, legal stuff……..terrible piles of shitty bureaucracy……..I am doing alright, but wondering if you could help me….”
“Don’t resist it………………especially the bureaucracy….we get so pissed about the circumstances we are in, but the more we surrender the more productive we can be within whatever our reality is.”
This does not mean to give up or give in…..
Again, Plan A, Plan B, Plan C……..let go of the way that it used to be.
“It will always be a little different.”
“Change is the only constant.”
“You don’t see other people’s obstacles, only their output.”
GD it, Coach! You can be both Tami AND Eric!
DAY 4
How to leverage who we want to be over “I don’t want to do this.”
Ask the right questions…(Who do I want to be?)
Allow urges…….(Willpower is bullshit.)….pretend you’re a parent dealing with a toddler….let it play out, don’t try to force it down.
The teenager absolutely doesn’t want to do his dishes late on a Sunday night, but that same teenager probably doesn’t want to be the person who leaves a mess for his family when they wake up to start a new week. (Coach’s son sounds like a very good person. )
THINK ABOUT WHAT HABITS AND FEELINGS YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE AS A WRITER - cultivate them….progress will be made. You will keep growing.
If you try to bury an urge (or voice) it gets louder.
“I’m writing in my head all the time….then I freeze when I sit down to type it up.”
You need to put it down on paper and release it to make space, or you’ll keep going in circles.”
“Why do you think you won’t release your story?”
“I feel protective of it.”
"Where do you feel it in your body?”
“My womb…..I’m protecting what it’s birthing.”
“But at a certain point, we have to let the baby be out in the world……right?”
(any response?)
“They won’t know or understand this baby the way I do.”
“They won’t keep it safe.”
“It won’t be cherished once it’s here.”
“If it’s not read in the voice it was spoken in, then the message is different. The message changes.”
“And I have no way to control the way people read my words.”
A story is like a kid……you have to (eventually) let it go out in the world and find its way.
__________________________________
“I had an illegal abortion over 50 years ago……………I wrote about it.”
But the timing of releasing it into this world scares me.
I am a centrist. I don’t want this to be a political statement. But I can’t control that.
I want to tell my story. I want to help women.
If I publish it now I’ll be battered. I’m 75. I don’t want that.
“I know how to do this. I know how to write, but why would I want to do this to myself?”
This is always the struggle - it’s deep work.
Fear around the issue and the processing of the emotions around it.
You have to let the emotions in and sort out what they actually are and see what they are trying to tell you…
Where do you feel those emotions in your body? (shoulder, jaw, back, sternum)
Why is it so scary?
"Someone’s gonna shout at me, ‘you’re a murderer. You killed your baby.’”
“And I’m gonna break down and start sobbing.”
“And then I’ll lose all credibility as an author…”
(keep asking….. “And Then What?”)
“Then I’ll go home and cry some more.”
How old does the fear think you are?
21.
It doesn’t think I can handle it.
“But now I’m 75 and way stronger and smarter and have way more support than when I was 21.”
“And you are so brave.”
“I am so brave.”
Now where do you feel those emotions?
“Now I feel it in my upper arms, like I want to push someone away......Wow.”
“It’s really a marvelous system, isn’t it?”
“Are you a therapist, too??”
__________________________________
(what is Autocrit………?)
“Someone told me once I stole other people’s stories. (I was 7.)
That always stuck with me.”
“I need the accountability part of this……..how else will I know I am a writer?”
That is the ultimate goal of the inner saboteur - to make you ask:
“Are you even a writer?”
What bullshit.
We create shadows of the pieces of ourselves that the world has said are unacceptable.
We need to define our shadows ourselves………… “I’m sorry I abandoned you during the time that the world didn’t like you.”
“I can write and it can flow and it can be good……but I want to create an outline……I want structure. I’ve been struggling with that……the structure makes me feel safe. I want to write a heart centered book, but I want it to be logical, for people who are logical.”
“I have this very smart family ……we were always at the dinner table debating:
Can you prove that?
What are your sources?
It made me feel shaky, nervous, unseen, invalid…..made me want to go to my room and figure it out. This was my childhood - but mostly between 12 and 15.”
The shadow of this is shaky and nervous….that’s why you are having such trouble committing to an outline.
Does it make sense to you and your shadow? Let her in……..
Don’t resist…………..
(beware of Autocrit, Stephanie, no matter what it is.)
DAY 5
How to make a customized plan for ourself to keep going……
Keep Practicing your new story
Hire a coach or developmental editor
Get an accountability partner (reliable, will hold feet to fire)
Join a group coaching program
Schedule meetings with yourself
Use R.A.I.N (Tara Brach) - recognize, allow, investigate, nurture
(All of this will help you tell your new story.)
Steven Pressfield daily prompts….
Morning pages……..
Journal prompt for today:
Reflect on what you’ve learned (and what you want to keep practicing).
__________________________________
Balance and consistency.
Balance and consistency.
Balance and consistency.
Shhhhh.....(time to lose the guilt and shame around my need for solitude.)
Maybe I can commission Buckles to write about, “Our Friend Stephanie, the Most Extroverted Introvert We Know.”
And....
Ass.
In.
Seat.
(with kindness!)
Don’t YOU get bored, Stephanie.
Make peace with the fact that you don’t only want to do one thing.
“Go with the path of least resistance…..”
(Do I believe this?)
You need craft for when the muse is AWOL.
(I definitely believe this.)
“I’m afraid it’s going to be another project that I don’t get published."
“These vignettes are whole on their own……believe in them. Get them out there, even if they are part of something bigger as well.”
Get them out in the world.
Publish things in little chunks at a time (ie. memoir) to prove that your stories are real.
__________________________________
Practical Time: the time it takes to get something done
Psychological Time: how we beat ourselves up for not getting (enough) things done in a certain amount of time.
“Writing is tricky because it’s hidden. I put so much work into it that is not seen.”
“…and it’s so personal to me, I can’t imagine someone coming in and judging it or weighing in on it…..or telling me I’m doing it wrong.”
“But you’re already doing that.”
The inner saboteur is doing to you what it is pretending to protect you from.
__________________________________
My Take Away:
The inner saboteur is not your ideal reader, so
tell it to fuck off (if that’s your mood).
Or.
Put it down for a nap (if that’s your mood).
Either way,
Let it cry.
You just keep going.
You already wrote about this, Stephanie.
Share it.
Or any/all of your 612 docu-poems or 105 personal essays.
Someone (besides you) might need them.
*Special and massive thanks to Sue Campbell I Pages & Platforms
______________________________
Free.
Stop the procrastination.
Ass in seat.
Why are you being so mean to you?
__________________________________
I don’t want to take this workshop but I have to.
I haven’t re-found my footing since I returned from living in a castle in France. (Maybe you should write about that, Stephanie?)
Mean Me is having a field day with all of the fraud thought that has been festering since my return.
And I like the woman* leading it.
She is smart.
Calm.
Grounding.
Funny.
Kind.
Real.
She says a lot of swear words.
Plus every ounce of me refuses to write.
Anything.
__________________________________
Each day:
A prompt
A zoom (bonus: doesn’t have to be synchronous!)
A 15 minute lesson, then coaching on whatever your version of inner sabotage happens to be…..
A daily goal:
Make it small - (so you do it!) - something like:
“I will write a sentence every day.”
Or.
“I will research podcasts that might be a good fit for my story/ies one day.”
Or:
“I will clean a closet every day so my mind also becomes clear.”
These are my kind of goals. (Except maybe that middle one, as I am taking a break
from podcasts and sort of jealous of anyone who has an interesting one.)
__________________________________
I think there are going to be a lot of people (this probably means women) doing this free workshop.
Why wouldn’t they? Everyone gets stuck sometimes…. (See? The workshop is working already.)
And I have already typed 250 words.
And (now) I remember that I have (completely) forgotten all about (the importance of) GOALS!!
__________________________________
Kick Off Call.
I was right. Lots of women. (Do men not get stuck? Do they not admit it? Not care? Push through? Steal our ideas and write them as their own? Sorry - but I just finished Jill Bialosky’s The Deceptions and am feeling a little furious.)
__________________________________
DAY 1.
I watched it on day 2, but one of my goals is to be nice to myself, so back off.
“The Story that You Tell Yourself.”
(This is what I need to challenge - it is hogging all the space I have for actual stories that I still want to tell.)
My current story is:
“The world is melting and boiling over. No one gives a shit about your poems or tiny stories of childhood wonder and woe.”
I like watching the coaching part of this workshop…
Writers of science fiction, poetry, memoir, novels………
“Someone told me that you have to write a million words before you have something good……”
Women of all ages, many old…..want to tell their stories before they are gone……..stories of that time they were brave, details of mental illness, memories that need to be re-strung or put to rest, illegal abortions, we want to get these stories into the world.
“What I’m working on is a big mess…..”
Why do so many people want to write?
“I want to know how the story comes out.”
(“Hold on to that………go from there,” advises the coach.)
“I have to have everything in order before I can sit down to write.”
(This is a woman’s issue…….right? Do men say/think/feel this?)
Everything will NEVER be in perfect order.
Distractions…..
“I am always writing scenes in my head…..but when I sit to write it down, they disappear…”
It is exhausting…
Fear?
How to outline a book? Do I know how to do this?
“I do a lot of pantsing.”
Ooh ! A new word! I am a pantser! (This feels important to know, whether I accept it or challenge it as an ultimate truth about myself.)
panster. A person who writes ‘by the seat of her pants’ as opposed to a plotter, one who plans or outlines her writing. (Definition courtesy of Urban Dictionary)
TK. (I not only forgot to ask why it was K, not C, I also forgot that this was even an option!)
Don’t get distracted.
Don’t be afraid of failure.
Or success…….
Breathe. (“You might need breathing exercises…..let’s do one now.”)
I love our coach.
STET!
DAY 2
How do we loosen the grip of these stories?
Ass
In
Seat.
Write.
Shh….
Clean a closet
Coaching notes and bits and bobs:
People who have been told they could do nothing right.
Wouldn’t amount to anything.
Mental health struggles.
Everyone has some version of this:
“You can’t do it.”
Dysfunctional families.
(Aren’t they all dysfunctional?)
Look for the little things or the people that can help you…………….(They are there.)
“Nobody is going to be able to fix you.” (...or break you.)
People who have defied the odds that were placed on them by others.
“Channel the rage……..your anger is justified……..use it.”
There will always be a Push/Pull between the creative and the administrative bits.
Muse v. Scribe (Integrate them…..they don’t have to hate each other.)
Beware of the Protestant work ethic….(and then write your mom’s story about the Sexy Presbyterians!)
Frustration with the tech…………….
“I’m not as sharp as I was as a young woman, with the technology.”
“Ok. So that thought is not helping you with anything!”
- Coach
Lean in to the parts that are working……. “Stay out of the toxic potato salad.”
What am I doing?
Who cares?
Your story is boring!
Bad feelings flood in…..(drop the bad thoughts)
“Where are all of these thoughts and feelings held in your body?”
(We will aways feel the negative emotions - get to know them.)
We are self protective around our creativity…….because it matters.
But we are older now………we have experience and coping skills….We don’t need to be (so) protected. I’ve got this.
It will be ok…..play it through.
What if….what if….what if….
“Picture an archetypal mother figure…..she’s not going to help you until you ask for help. Then she’ll give you back your faith and belief in yourself. She’ll give you what you need….but you have to ask.”
“I lost my manuscript……….”
“I don’t know why I stopped writing.”
"Did I even write it down?”
"Maybe I don’t need it…….”
Some people are broken.
“Maybe writing can fix it.”
That’s a lot of pressure.
People are all kinds of hurting………there are 1300 people doing this workshop.
I thought there would be around 50. I thought that was a lot.
Know who you are writing for. Who is going to like it, be entertained by it, need it.
That is not always family or friends, or partners.....or or or.
“You can’t hold a beach ball underwater.” That is what the inner saboteur tries to do.
Recognize it.
Laugh at it. It’s a non-negotiable war, but it can be fought with humor.
“Menopause hit and life has sucked since. How to retool myself knowing that who I was is no longer available to me?”
“Writing as catharsis…….gets in my way of writing what I thought I wanted to write.”
No plot.
No goal.
What am I aiming at?
(Own your pantstering, Stephanie. You are good at it. Don’t judge your failings as as a plotter. In writing or in life. You have never been plotter.)
DAY 3
External obstacles (and there are a ton)
Hiccups.
Don’t let them derail you.
Keep going. Inner saboteur loves external obstacles.
Be nice to you.
Make your writing a priority.
“You need to plan your life around your writing.” - even if it’s 5 minutes a day.
Make. It. Happen.
(And it doesn’t have to compete with “But, who will raise my children?”)
Women are socialized to think they only get to write if everything else is taken care of.
Flip the script…..I have to make it happen. Other people won’t do it (unless you’re really lucky).
“I don’t want to be destitute…….!” (Don’t be so dramatic.)
We have to do more than put out fires……..honor the important stuff (writing, even if it’s not urgent).
Eliminate - cooking breakfast, folding clothes,
Automate - paying bills, social media posts, grocery store
Delegate - cleaning, social media, errands
Learn to say no. (Then say it. A lot.)
Plan for interruptions - don’t let them disrupt you …. Decide ahead of time what you will allow to interrupt you -
ie. “Is there blood?”....................“How much?”
Most things can wait.
Make a Writing Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.
Cover yourself, no matter what life throws at you. Inner Saboteur will always hold you to Plan A only and make you feel shitty if you don’t meet those demands.
(By the way, Plan A should be manageable, not a super day…..those are very rare - let them be.)
Writing groups can derail you……..be careful. Inner perfectionist can ruin everything, as can careless or uninformed critique.
“Sometimes I’m excited about a job until I get it…..”
“I need a deadline….” (Me too!)
“Dream projects are only dreams until I have to do them.”
“Why can’t I hold onto the joy? Why do I always want to jump to whatever is next?”
It doesn’t live up to the expectation of what I thought it might be?
Do I take it for granted?
Did I only want it because it was a challenge?
Is it more interesting than me? Is it above my pay grade?
Flip all of this…….
“What if I can’t get over the mental fatigue that I carry around with me?”
(This asked by someone who takes full time care of her elderly mom)………..
“Self care has to come first……..a la Maslow’s hierarchy of needs…..you might have a lot of Plan C days during this time with your mom."
Phil Stutz - the Vortex
Do this before you sit down to write:
Imagine a ring of 12 suns above your head.
Look up to the suns.
Beg them for help.
When they hear you, they spin and create a vortex that grabs you and lifts you up through the circle of suns. When you arrive up top, you become a benevolent giant.
With a giant’s energy, ready to go.
(I will try again….to watch the Stutz documentary….and not be distracted by Jonah Hill or dismissive of the 12 suns I have just been asked to beg. I am not very good at this part of things. ie. “vortex that grabs you and lifts you up through a circle of suns” and/or “you become a benelovent giant” but I promise not to judge until i read up on Phil Stutz or watch the doc in full.)
“I was raised by a father who called me a dummy.”
“My brother always asks me, ‘Why do you care?’”
“My husband had an accident ……brain injury. Financial, legal stuff……..terrible piles of shitty bureaucracy……..I am doing alright, but wondering if you could help me….”
“Don’t resist it………………especially the bureaucracy….we get so pissed about the circumstances we are in, but the more we surrender the more productive we can be within whatever our reality is.”
This does not mean to give up or give in…..
Again, Plan A, Plan B, Plan C……..let go of the way that it used to be.
“It will always be a little different.”
“Change is the only constant.”
“You don’t see other people’s obstacles, only their output.”
GD it, Coach! You can be both Tami AND Eric!
DAY 4
How to leverage who we want to be over “I don’t want to do this.”
Ask the right questions…(Who do I want to be?)
Allow urges…….(Willpower is bullshit.)….pretend you’re a parent dealing with a toddler….let it play out, don’t try to force it down.
The teenager absolutely doesn’t want to do his dishes late on a Sunday night, but that same teenager probably doesn’t want to be the person who leaves a mess for his family when they wake up to start a new week. (Coach’s son sounds like a very good person. )
THINK ABOUT WHAT HABITS AND FEELINGS YOU’D LIKE TO HAVE AS A WRITER - cultivate them….progress will be made. You will keep growing.
If you try to bury an urge (or voice) it gets louder.
“I’m writing in my head all the time….then I freeze when I sit down to type it up.”
You need to put it down on paper and release it to make space, or you’ll keep going in circles.”
“Why do you think you won’t release your story?”
“I feel protective of it.”
"Where do you feel it in your body?”
“My womb…..I’m protecting what it’s birthing.”
“But at a certain point, we have to let the baby be out in the world……right?”
(any response?)
“They won’t know or understand this baby the way I do.”
“They won’t keep it safe.”
“It won’t be cherished once it’s here.”
“If it’s not read in the voice it was spoken in, then the message is different. The message changes.”
“And I have no way to control the way people read my words.”
A story is like a kid……you have to (eventually) let it go out in the world and find its way.
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“I had an illegal abortion over 50 years ago……………I wrote about it.”
But the timing of releasing it into this world scares me.
I am a centrist. I don’t want this to be a political statement. But I can’t control that.
I want to tell my story. I want to help women.
If I publish it now I’ll be battered. I’m 75. I don’t want that.
“I know how to do this. I know how to write, but why would I want to do this to myself?”
This is always the struggle - it’s deep work.
Fear around the issue and the processing of the emotions around it.
You have to let the emotions in and sort out what they actually are and see what they are trying to tell you…
Where do you feel those emotions in your body? (shoulder, jaw, back, sternum)
Why is it so scary?
"Someone’s gonna shout at me, ‘you’re a murderer. You killed your baby.’”
“And I’m gonna break down and start sobbing.”
“And then I’ll lose all credibility as an author…”
(keep asking….. “And Then What?”)
“Then I’ll go home and cry some more.”
How old does the fear think you are?
21.
It doesn’t think I can handle it.
“But now I’m 75 and way stronger and smarter and have way more support than when I was 21.”
“And you are so brave.”
“I am so brave.”
Now where do you feel those emotions?
“Now I feel it in my upper arms, like I want to push someone away......Wow.”
“It’s really a marvelous system, isn’t it?”
“Are you a therapist, too??”
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(what is Autocrit………?)
“Someone told me once I stole other people’s stories. (I was 7.)
That always stuck with me.”
“I need the accountability part of this……..how else will I know I am a writer?”
That is the ultimate goal of the inner saboteur - to make you ask:
“Are you even a writer?”
What bullshit.
We create shadows of the pieces of ourselves that the world has said are unacceptable.
We need to define our shadows ourselves………… “I’m sorry I abandoned you during the time that the world didn’t like you.”
“I can write and it can flow and it can be good……but I want to create an outline……I want structure. I’ve been struggling with that……the structure makes me feel safe. I want to write a heart centered book, but I want it to be logical, for people who are logical.”
“I have this very smart family ……we were always at the dinner table debating:
Can you prove that?
What are your sources?
It made me feel shaky, nervous, unseen, invalid…..made me want to go to my room and figure it out. This was my childhood - but mostly between 12 and 15.”
The shadow of this is shaky and nervous….that’s why you are having such trouble committing to an outline.
Does it make sense to you and your shadow? Let her in……..
Don’t resist…………..
(beware of Autocrit, Stephanie, no matter what it is.)
DAY 5
How to make a customized plan for ourself to keep going……
Keep Practicing your new story
Hire a coach or developmental editor
Get an accountability partner (reliable, will hold feet to fire)
Join a group coaching program
Schedule meetings with yourself
Use R.A.I.N (Tara Brach) - recognize, allow, investigate, nurture
(All of this will help you tell your new story.)
Steven Pressfield daily prompts….
Morning pages……..
Journal prompt for today:
Reflect on what you’ve learned (and what you want to keep practicing).
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Balance and consistency.
Balance and consistency.
Balance and consistency.
Shhhhh.....(time to lose the guilt and shame around my need for solitude.)
Maybe I can commission Buckles to write about, “Our Friend Stephanie, the Most Extroverted Introvert We Know.”
And....
Ass.
In.
Seat.
(with kindness!)
Don’t YOU get bored, Stephanie.
Make peace with the fact that you don’t only want to do one thing.
“Go with the path of least resistance…..”
(Do I believe this?)
You need craft for when the muse is AWOL.
(I definitely believe this.)
“I’m afraid it’s going to be another project that I don’t get published."
“These vignettes are whole on their own……believe in them. Get them out there, even if they are part of something bigger as well.”
Get them out in the world.
Publish things in little chunks at a time (ie. memoir) to prove that your stories are real.
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Practical Time: the time it takes to get something done
Psychological Time: how we beat ourselves up for not getting (enough) things done in a certain amount of time.
“Writing is tricky because it’s hidden. I put so much work into it that is not seen.”
“…and it’s so personal to me, I can’t imagine someone coming in and judging it or weighing in on it…..or telling me I’m doing it wrong.”
“But you’re already doing that.”
The inner saboteur is doing to you what it is pretending to protect you from.
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My Take Away:
The inner saboteur is not your ideal reader, so
tell it to fuck off (if that’s your mood).
Or.
Put it down for a nap (if that’s your mood).
Either way,
Let it cry.
You just keep going.
You already wrote about this, Stephanie.
Share it.
Or any/all of your 612 docu-poems or 105 personal essays.
Someone (besides you) might need them.
*Special and massive thanks to Sue Campbell I Pages & Platforms
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