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Field Notes from the Ministry
By Stephanie Kemp









Dear Universal Life Church,

I regret to inform you that I will have to resign, effective immediately, as I dropped the F bomb during my first marriage ceremony.

I ran out of space in my human container.

I made the rookie mistake of wanting to include something great from every single amazing person I met prior to the wedding, not realizing I had added about 10 hours to the service.

I also spent too much time in the locker room before taking the field.

(Plus, it was sort of hot.)

In the end, I did much more than go off script.

I had to.

Once “Cool Customer” came out of my mouth thanks to my sweating eyes and steamed up readers as “Cool Cucumber,” I knew I had to go rogue.

At least I didn’t forget to:  “Hide behind the groomsmen when they kiss!”

You are not going to believe the photos of these two people.

There is no-one like them. (I haven’t seen the pictures yet, but can vouch for them both in real life.)

I should also warn you that I think there might be a video of everything that happened that day, so I have included my contact information below in case you need to reach me or put me in ministerial rehab. You might also get a call or two from some fellow ministers, although it was pretty great having them there in the moment. (I am also happy to pay a fine or make a donation.).


Sincerely and with massive respect and gratitude (I am not kidding),

Stephanie Ann Kemp
Island of the Misfit Ministry

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August 8, 2022

Dear  Favorite Newly Married People,

Sometimes you will think you have asked a favorite aunt or Elaine from Seinfeld to officiate your spectacular wedding, but will get Darth Vader or the kid from The Shining instead.

It might be hard to believe right now, but this was all part of the plan.  I had to bring the words to life to make sure that you really, really understood the meaning behind them.  Especially because I knew I would never see you again. (Just kidding!)

The good news is:

You do.
And I guarantee no-one will ever forget your wedding (also part of the plan).

The following will conclude my services as your Minister (I will still be your aunt).

I am so grateful for and proud of you.


Love,

Tessie


ps.  To those who may have follow up questions, this is only one I will ever answer:

Q:  Why did the minister not get her hair and make up done with the bridal party?

A: She could never have done that to the groom.  He knows her only through her Bitmoji. She needed to make sure he would recognize her so that he would know where to go.  It can be scary up there…
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