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Damaged Good(s)
By Stephanie Kemp
Damaged Good(s)
By Stephanie Kemp
He and She,
He and She,
Save Favorite Cousin,* Valerie.**
This is the level of my poetry at 4:30am, from the floor of my hotel bathroom.
If you are going to melt publicly (I mean this literally, literally), He and She are the ones you want flanking you, both physically and emotionally.
Not only do they mostly love you, they will dazzle (and by “dazzle” I mean “stay grounded”) and deflect any unwanted attention until you can feel your feet again.
They will know when they need to field something for you until you can remember what words are. (They also know that words matter and are sticky, in the best and worst ways.)
They won’t worry about your purple cheeks and nose because they will remember that you never sweat above the knees, and that fainting is a real fear, not just one to joke about.
They will never say that you look like a swollen stone fruit, although they might think it.
They will have your back. Not just the back of your Residual Self (the one they still like to make fun of), but the back of your Current Self that could be in danger, if TheLadyWithTheShinyShoes from the bathroom stall has her way.
You are grateful you didn’t see TheLady above the ankles. Your Residual Self might want to punch her. And your Residual Self usually (still) follows through, even though you are getting sick of her (sometimes, but not today).
On a related, if equally unnerving note, you also need to avoid TheSheerManInThePartyPants who made you a punchline even before you took to the pulpit.
These are the things He and She (might) know, so they stay with you for a long time.
(As an added bonus, no one will notice you anyway if you are sitting next to He and She, even if you are the minister.)
She has a theory I am trying to remember about coping with grief and loss.
(Note: This day WAS NOT about grief and loss but they do like to tag along on the most beautiful and important days of any family.)
The 4 Fs of a stool?
Legs?
How to stay upright?
Shit. I can’t remember.
But (knowing She) I’m pretty sure they were:
Friends. Family. Funny. Faith.
(I’m very sure my F word wasn't in there. She knows to save those for ripe, private moments.)
He (possibly worrying that my mouth is moving without sounds coming out), starts asking me about the movie star he has convinced himself I once dated.
“No. The rollerblades were a wrap gift because I worked with him once on a movie…”
(He is trying to remember a different story. I will never tell that one. Just as outside of this rant I will never tell this one.)
But just in case the rollerblade giving movie star ever reads this (stay positive and make sure to tell the kids about the power of reframing and the importance of follow through!):
“You were so nice to do that (and always, every day, in real time and in general).
I recently found your old driver’s license (the one with your real name that you couldn’t use because the other famous movie star had it first) and a picture of you with your son from that photographer at the pool. I will get them back to you.
And yes, I did eventually learn to stop and turn!! Thank you for asking!”
(This part feels important right now, especially because I still can’t feel my feet.)
I see the bottom half of TheLadyWithTheShinyShoes (there are a lot of people here - many very tall) walking our way and have to make my legs work before she hugs me and pretends she wants a group photo with me in it because she doesn’t know He and She.
Here is where I regain my Current Self skills just in time to remember not to look at her face, for the triple win:
I think these are all signs of good things to come.
These, and She just dropped a nice F Bomb, in solidarity.
Against my better judgment, I (real) laughed.
I’M ALIVE!
Maybe it does take a village. Or at least a really big and loving effed up family.
And I have learned enough from (all of the amazing parts of) the last few days that our family just got (much) bigger and (mostly) brighter.
Plus, I get to go (to my) home today.
(There’s the minister!)
ps. He will send a midnight email from a plane headed to the other side of the world, just to check in one more time. This will also make you feel better, until you start worrying about what the f*#k is going to go on the cousin hotline. 😳☎️
_________________
*Stacy is actually She’s favorite and He seems to be favoring Ginger (who has excellent boundaries and is the nicest of all of the cousins, except for Bill), but we’re all still in it to win it and always working toward (Familial) Favored Nations.
**Names have been changed, except for Bill.
He and She,
Save Favorite Cousin,* Valerie.**
This is the level of my poetry at 4:30am, from the floor of my hotel bathroom.
If you are going to melt publicly (I mean this literally, literally), He and She are the ones you want flanking you, both physically and emotionally.
Not only do they mostly love you, they will dazzle (and by “dazzle” I mean “stay grounded”) and deflect any unwanted attention until you can feel your feet again.
They will know when they need to field something for you until you can remember what words are. (They also know that words matter and are sticky, in the best and worst ways.)
They won’t worry about your purple cheeks and nose because they will remember that you never sweat above the knees, and that fainting is a real fear, not just one to joke about.
They will never say that you look like a swollen stone fruit, although they might think it.
They will have your back. Not just the back of your Residual Self (the one they still like to make fun of), but the back of your Current Self that could be in danger, if TheLadyWithTheShinyShoes from the bathroom stall has her way.
You are grateful you didn’t see TheLady above the ankles. Your Residual Self might want to punch her. And your Residual Self usually (still) follows through, even though you are getting sick of her (sometimes, but not today).
On a related, if equally unnerving note, you also need to avoid TheSheerManInThePartyPants who made you a punchline even before you took to the pulpit.
These are the things He and She (might) know, so they stay with you for a long time.
(As an added bonus, no one will notice you anyway if you are sitting next to He and She, even if you are the minister.)
She has a theory I am trying to remember about coping with grief and loss.
(Note: This day WAS NOT about grief and loss but they do like to tag along on the most beautiful and important days of any family.)
The 4 Fs of a stool?
Legs?
How to stay upright?
Shit. I can’t remember.
But (knowing She) I’m pretty sure they were:
Friends. Family. Funny. Faith.
(I’m very sure my F word wasn't in there. She knows to save those for ripe, private moments.)
He (possibly worrying that my mouth is moving without sounds coming out), starts asking me about the movie star he has convinced himself I once dated.
“No. The rollerblades were a wrap gift because I worked with him once on a movie…”
(He is trying to remember a different story. I will never tell that one. Just as outside of this rant I will never tell this one.)
But just in case the rollerblade giving movie star ever reads this (stay positive and make sure to tell the kids about the power of reframing and the importance of follow through!):
“You were so nice to do that (and always, every day, in real time and in general).
I recently found your old driver’s license (the one with your real name that you couldn’t use because the other famous movie star had it first) and a picture of you with your son from that photographer at the pool. I will get them back to you.
And yes, I did eventually learn to stop and turn!! Thank you for asking!”
(This part feels important right now, especially because I still can’t feel my feet.)
I see the bottom half of TheLadyWithTheShinyShoes (there are a lot of people here - many very tall) walking our way and have to make my legs work before she hugs me and pretends she wants a group photo with me in it because she doesn’t know He and She.
Here is where I regain my Current Self skills just in time to remember not to look at her face, for the triple win:
- I won’t see who TheLady is and will therefore be able able to avoid inflicting additional damage on anyone (including me).
- There will be one less photo of the plummy minister.
- I’m not sure what the third one is, but my Current Self is an optimist and trying to chime in.
I think these are all signs of good things to come.
These, and She just dropped a nice F Bomb, in solidarity.
Against my better judgment, I (real) laughed.
I’M ALIVE!
Maybe it does take a village. Or at least a really big and loving effed up family.
And I have learned enough from (all of the amazing parts of) the last few days that our family just got (much) bigger and (mostly) brighter.
Plus, I get to go (to my) home today.
(There’s the minister!)
ps. He will send a midnight email from a plane headed to the other side of the world, just to check in one more time. This will also make you feel better, until you start worrying about what the f*#k is going to go on the cousin hotline. 😳☎️
_________________
*Stacy is actually She’s favorite and He seems to be favoring Ginger (who has excellent boundaries and is the nicest of all of the cousins, except for Bill), but we’re all still in it to win it and always working toward (Familial) Favored Nations.
**Names have been changed, except for Bill.